My mind has been cruel to me for the past little while, plaguing me with what I perceive as sadness, disappointment, defeat. I have been busy living my life, being with the people I love, helping the people I love, things like that. So today, when I had very little to do (some plans fell through), I decided to make the most of the day and continue doing some of my crafts. Because keeping busy should help with the whole... idle mind wandering away from me situation... right?
I had a lot of memories weave themselves in and out of my mind throughout the day, weeks, months (dear god...)... I realized that, honestly, the thing that hurts the most is to realize I did nothing but work my ass off. Try hard. Keep trying. And the hardest part of my life right now is to force myself not to try hard, work hard.
I thought of days spent trying to help you feel better about yourself. I would rack my brain trying to brainstorm ideas and approaches that may help... because even though I didn't realize I had loved you yet, I guess a part of me already knew. You asked for help, and I wanted to be the person to help you reach your potential. I wanted to see you happy.
I see silly things in my everyday excursions and I smile, but not for long. Because when I see these things, I think of how much you would have thought it was funny. I think of you laughing, and I smile, but I stop because.. I don't know if you're laughing. I guess I can only imagine that you're fine without me. Because you did this, and this is what you wanted... right?
Maybe I went wrong in thinking that things could get better. I could get better. You could.. You wanted... but maybe you never wanted...
I realize now that maybe I should have talked to you more... we used to talk all of the time. So... it's weird not talking any more. I didn't talk because I felt you could have tried harder to try to talk to me sometimes, too. Looking back, you were trying. You were asking me to talk, and I wouldn't. I do remember feeling scared to talk sometimes. Moreso after a while because I was scared you were going to choose everyone else over your (best?) friend.
Can I predict the future? Or was this just what I drove us to...?
So when you came into my dream last night, and when you come into my dreams sometimes, and I wake up hurt and scared to go back to sleep, I guess it can be chalked up to me being hurt about the failure I've caused. I'm hard on myself on the best of days. So... yes, this is kind of normal for me, sadly, but I'm trying not to beat myself up so much anymore. I know that most of what I did was what I normally do for anything or anyone I love as strongly as I do (did?) with you. I don't feel I have closure, either... I feel as though I'm still reaching in the dark for answers that you just.. couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't provide me.
Some people say that I deserve better. That I can do better. And while that may be true, the same can be said for you, right? I was always trying to be better... but then that wasn't good enough (or was it too good?), and here we are (here I am).
So... all of this came about because of the necklace I was finishing. Memories are interesting things. Someday, thinking about how hard I tried won't hurt. Some days, thinking about how hard I tried makes me angry... and I guess I look forward to the day where it won't make me feel either extreme...
...because honestly, as badass as this whole... tapping into the rage thing is, it's still weird to think I occasionally ask myself to leave my usual peacefulness to get out the bottled emotions I have. I always wanted to be more like you, did you know that?
Finally, as the song the title of my post is named after goes, I need to remind myself... to keep on dreaming, even if it breaks my heart. Because the dream last night wasn't all bad. I got to see my mum and one of my favourite teachers dressed up as a gangster.
